Recycle In Peace, Mt. Aspartame

I love Diet Coke. I love the taste. I especially love the lies that it represents: I am not drinking sugar. It also allows me to think that I am "not" addicted to caffeine (I don't drink coffee. Ergo, I'm not a caffeine addict). Like all relationships based on lies, ours isn't perfect. I occasionally go overboard and drink too much in one day. I'll usually get some mild dizzyness and cold sweats from the apartame and caffeine. Nevertheless, I still love Diet Coke.

I decided to show my appreciation by building a tower of Diet Coke in my office. I called it Mt. Aspartame. It started as a collection of 20 oz. bottles that I put on top of a filing cabinet. I ran out of space and requisitioned some catalogs to set on the first layer and provide a surface for the second layer. This continued unabated even when I had to start snaking around ductwork in my pursuit of the ceiling. The before picture is a bit dated, because there were two more levels at the tower's zenith. It is also worth noting that the picture taped to the filing cabinet is a webcomic from Natalie Dee. Click here for the link.

I almost got to the ceiling. But at 8:40:00 pm on Thursday, March 1, AD 2007, the bottles came crashing down. How do I know? For one, my officemate happened to be in the office when the whole, shoddy, empty edifice fell. Why did it fall? The short answer: because we tempted fate, God, and the laws of Physics. The real answer: a 4.2 magnitude earthquake. My officemate, who took the magnificent before and after photos, was more than a little annoyed. After all, the bottles on the floor would have significantly impeded his evacuation (digression: our building is slated for demolition because it is not up to code for earthquake safety. Apparently, the facade of the building would fall off, taking our office on a seven-story joyride to the ground.) I understand his annoyance. But I was secretly pleased. I had been alternating in calling the tower "Mt. Aspartame" and "my earthquake detector". Mt. Aspartame may have perished in the Great East Bay Earthquake of 2007, but the earthquake detector worked flawlessly.

I should say that other officemates have different theories for why Mt. Aspartame collapsed. The mountain was composed of only Coca-Cola products to ensure uniformity and because Coca-Cola has exclusive rights to UC Berkeley. Because of this, a few Dasani, Sprite, Cherry Coke, and Coke Classic bottles were in the tower in load-bearing capacities. I consider these inferior beverages, but I never once thought that they would be inferior structural components. Some say that the inclusion of these inferior products rotted the structure from the inside, allowing a relatively minor external threat to destroy the whole thing. Perhaps this is true to some extent. Nevertheless, there was no way to completely eradicate all impure elements from the tower. The catalogs used in the platforms were surely substandard. If I were to take the argument to the logical extreme, I would have to bathe each bottle in Diet Coke to eliminate my saliva from the lip of each bottle.

I came into work the next day and cleaned up the 200+ bottles. All ended up in a recycle bin for an enterprising homeless man to collect and send to a humble death at the recycling plant. I had no intention of rebuilding. I challenged the natural order, and I was punished for my impudence. I may be brash, but I will never deny a learning experience when I see one.