My world has been shaken (not stirred)

This is an extremely troubling bit of news that most news outlets have been ignoring or downplaying. I recommend that small children and people with heart conditions, fatty liver, or chronic geekiness do NOT read any further.

In the new James Bond movie, James Bond does not care about how he takes his martini! Read that again; let it sink in. Be careful, such a shock may lead to shoulder-shrugging or not caring.

For confirmation, check out this fluffy CNN article. The article tries to focus on other issues like the premiere of Casino Royale or the Queen of England. No matter what journalistic mind-trickery they use, it's impossible to hide the fact that Daniel Craig's James Bond says this when asked how he takes his martini: "Do I look like I give a damn?"

We should not blithely accept such apathy. The article quotes the line as an example of the film's extra dose of "grittiness". I thought it was outright indecisive and weak. What has society come to when apathy seems tough and uncompromising? Even Roger Moore, the most shameful Bond of them all, carefully built his strength with his fussy cocktail and wardrobe choices. He then valiantly bested Jaws (shown at left) on several occasions. Modern pressures and distractions have made us soft and permissive about our beverage choices. We don't want to be subject to the ethical ambiguities of killing henchmen, blowing up hotels, or spreading STDs from the Riviera to the Orient. We seem to have forgotten that the veneer of punctiliousness protects us from such fruitless philosophizing. We don't need a gritty hero, and we never have. We need the velveteen touch of a dandy fop!

The Cult of Grittiness stops here! As a first step, I will insist that unnecessary and extravagant steps be taken to slake my thirst. How else will I be able to defeat men who can be showered with blocks of stone and survive, bite through chains, and eat sharks? Through strength alone? It is interesting how easily we forget how we pulled ourselves out of the "solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short" existence in the state of nature. I'll remind you: an early man put down his hunting spear, took a bath, donned a bowtie, and foppishly suggested a game of baccarat in Monaco. After a few hands, he created civilization.